Harry Potter and the Wizardly Antics
by VotreCramoisi
Summary: Young Harry Potter lives with his abusive aunt, his portly and simple uncle, and his "special" demon-spawn cousin. He has endured quite a bit over the years, but now things are looking in his favor. He's a wizard. Look out world, here comes Harry Potter!


Disclaimer/Author's Note: The following work may include anachronisms, deviations from canon, and a startling lack of British English.

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Harry Potter was not pleased. No sir, he was not pleased at all. He heard his Aunt and Uncle scrambling around in the hallway outside of his cabinet-dwelling and his cousin sobbing while squealing out "The letters, so many letters, oh god, oh my god, how did they even get in there?" Harry sighed and took deep breaths as this all transpired, closing his well-worn copy of _Finnegan's Wake. _He couldn't even read, what with all this infernal hubbub going down around the Dursley's humble abode. He wasn't really sure what was happening, but he did have the sneaking suspicion that, like most things, it was his fault. _Oh god, _thought Harry, _Petunia's gonna bring out the wooden spoon for this one…. _The last time that had happened, Vernon had tried to tear her off of his bruised and bleeding body while screaming something about the inherent difficulties of disposing of a corpse in a modern suburban environment, but then he too was beaten down with the wooden instrument of death. Hell hath no fury like a Petunia in wrath. Harry decided to take a short siesta, (he preferred siestas to naps, as the former were more fancy) and hoped that when he woke up he would find that the last ten years of his life, under Petunia's reign of terror, had been nothing but a dream. After briefly considering the epistomological ramifications of such an event occurring, Harry closed his eyes and resolved to count platypodes, frolicking in a meadow and leaping over a small picket fence, until he fell asleep.

The cabinet door flew open the moment that the twenty-third platypus cleared the fence and Petunia rapped him on the forehead with a large metal cheese grater, rousing him, before shouting "Giddup, boy! We're leaving!" She ran frantically down the hall, leaving her weapon on the floor while Harry thanked the Lord that she didn't have the time to use the grater to its full potential as an instrument of torture.

He began to walk down the hall when he was hoisted up by Vernon, who was sprinting like one of those fat American Football players, with Harry tucked under his arm. Vernon's face was the red of a rose, but, you know, not in the pretty or poetic way. Vernon Dursley was not a pretty or poetic man. He exploded through the doorway, out to the driveway, and tossed Harry through the window of his car, jumping in, and starting to back away. "Ummm, Uncle?" Harry cocked his head to one side while buckling his seat belt "Where's Aunt Petunia and Dudley?" Harry immediately regretted asking this question, silently hoping that Vernon would just drive away without them.

"There's no time for them, lad! They're gone forever!" Vernon roared in response, a lone manly tear rolling down his face. Just as he made this tragic proclamation, a window on the front of the house broke open and Petunia came rolling out with an avalanche of letters, hoisting Dudley by the collar in one hand, holding a kitchen knife in the other, and squealing "Veeeeeernon! You'd better be waiting for meeeeee!" Vernon blanched, but due to the already abnormal coloring of his face, this just rendered it a darkish pink. Vernon tried to say "But of course, my dearest flower, the love of my life," but it came out sounding something like "Eep."

The ride there was a long one indeed. Dudley accidentally broke the head of one of his Barbies off into his mouth and swallowed it, thrashing about on Petunia's lap, as she repeatedly screamed "Such a special boy!" while violently patting his head in consolation. _Yes, _thought Harry, _he is quite special. I noticed that earlier today when he got a stiffy from watching the cooking channel and ran around the house pretending he was a fighter pilot. I'm just glad he didn't drop any dirty bombs this time…._

They arrived at a cabin on a small island. (Don't ask how they drove to an island. I don't know and I don't much care to know either. I'm just the narrator.) That night, Harry couldn't sleep, which may or may not have been related to the fact that he was not provided with a bed. Petunia snored as loudly in her sleep as Vernon whimpered softly, Harry noticed. Harry thought that this was an interesting commentary on relationship dynamics in modern society, but didn't dare verbally comment on it, lest he wake up the precious duddykins, ever the light sleeper, who had departed off to beddy-bye land with a fork in his left hand, honey and mustard smeared all over his face and in his hair. Waking up Dudley was such a danger that Harry even refrained from silently humming "Happy Birthday to You" as he counted down the minutes until midnight.

Unfortunately, Harry's noble effort of silence failed gloriously when someone knocked on the door. Well, it was more of a pound than a knock. This repeated several times, getting louder and harder in sequence, like a very disruptive and violent sounding metronome. Then it stopped. After a couple seconds of silence, the pounding began anew, even harder than before. Harry heard the door splinter and come off of its hinges, and then a large, bearded man walked in, holding the door in front of him and smiling sheepishly. "Errrrrr, sorry 'bout that. Nobody was answerin' the door. Ah, well. I got yeh a cake, Harry."

At this, the formerly still half-asleep Dudley awoke completely and screamed. "Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Mumsy! Daddy! There's a door monster!" He ran at Hagrid (that was the large man's name) and stabbed him in the leg with his fork.

"Oh, why you lil'….." Hagrid whipped out a miniature (magical) umbrella and used it to turn Dudley into a chubby little piglet. Vernon and Petunia, who had woken at the same time as Dudley but were speechless, hopped out of bed. Petunia fell to her knees and cooed. "Oh my, baby!" she cried, "He's…He's…HE'S SO CUTE!" Vernon sputtered, turned red, and fainted. Then he slowly got up to his feet, blanched, and fainted yet again. Petunia cradled Dudley like a baby and began to sing sweet nothings to him, oblivious to what was going on around her.

Hagrid looked at the scene unfolding in front of him and wondered why Harry had yet to react to this odd display, and was just staring at him blankly. _Is the boy slow or sum'thin'? _He wondered. He dispelled his worries and just said "Errr, so, I'm takin' Harry wit me." Petunia waved him off, saying "It's fine, whatever." Hagrid took Harry by the hand and walked towards the door. Just before leaving, he paused and turned back "Errr, yeh know tha's jus' temp'rary right?" Petunia looked up in shock, anger, and disappointment at this. "IT IS?!" Hagrid quickly walked out, resolving to avoid any and all contact with muggles from that point forth.

When they got to Hagrid's motorcycle, Hagrid finally noticed that he was still holding the door, so he tossed it nonchalantly over his shoulder, just as Vernon was going out to get some air. The corner of it hit him square in the forehead and so, for the third time in about two minutes, and for the seventh time that fateful day, the long-suffering Vernon Dursley was rendered unconscious.

Hagrid looked at Harry inquisitively and said "Can yeh speak? Is yeh dumb?" Harry shook his head and then paused. "Wait, what was that? I'm sorry, I was still in shock over the whole 'cake' thing. I zoned out. What's going on?"

Hagrid smiled and pulled a very flat package out of his back pocket. "Oh yah. Here yeh go. Made it meself." Harry opened it and saw that it was carrot cake. Crushed carrot cake. His name was written on it with sickly yellow frosting, but it was somehow misspelled. "Oh. How swell. Thank you, mister." Harry decided that he didn't like this weird man. Still, he got on the back of the motorcycle and the two rode off into the night. After about fifteen minutes into the journey, Harry realized that he had no idea who this man was or where he was being taken. And all he could think was "_Oh, God, not again…."_

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A/N: A rather conventional start, but I had to start somewhere. Next chapter will be longer and the plot will begin to really diverge from canon. The story will also likely get a bit more serious over time. Anyhow. Questions? Comments? Concerns, perchance?


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